


The Goose of Hogwarts

by nohrg



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Untitled Goose Game (Video Game)
Genre: Ficlet, Gen, the DADA teachers have a bad time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:09:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22021582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nohrg/pseuds/nohrg
Summary: There is a goose loose in Hogwarts.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 81





	The Goose of Hogwarts

There is a goose loose in Hogwarts.

He is somehow worse than Peeves and the Weasley Twins combined. On a particularly bad day, you can throw the Marauders in there.

Nobody can escape his exploits. Everyone has been honked at or had items stolen or had a terrible day due to the goose. But of course, the goose targets teachers the most.

Snape? He finds that the labels have all been torn off on the student supply potions ingredients. There’s a mystery potion brewing in the corner. He didn’t even see the goose in his classroom. Snape hates the goose worse than he hates Harry Potter’s eyes, and all of Gryffindor rejoices at Snape’s anger being directed at the one being of chaos who cannot be controlled.

Quirrel? The goose almost pulled the turban completely off before Quirrel kicked him out of the classroom with a stammer. The only thing protecting the goose was that there were too many witnesses, and everyone already loved the goose after what he did to Snape.

Gilderoy Lockhart? The Goose (for at this point he has earned that capitalization) honks. Lockhart starts expositing on his supposed exploits? Honk. Lockhart gets too close to a student? Honk. Lockhart is terrified of the Goose, with his unerring ability to be exactly positioned to bother the fraud.

Lupin strikes a deal with the Goose. Snape has a terrible year.

In the year of fake!Moody, the Goose successfully steals some of his polyjuice and turns into Moody. No one ever realized there were two Moodys that day, because apparently honks translate to “Constant Vigilance”.

Umbridge. The year of Umbridge was glorious for the Goose, for even his beloved target Snape endorsed his exploits. Educational decrees were written to ban the Goose, and yet he always found a way back. Many ugly pink kitten plates got dropped off the top of the stairs. Cups of tea were spilled. The Goose’s proudest moment was causing Umbridge to trip into the Floo while on a call with the Minister, and then closing the fireplace and killing the fire. It took her hours to get back.

Snape tries to strike a deal with the Goose. He gets a honk and his wand stolen for a day in retaliation.

In the year of the war, the Goose is right there with the DA. He defends them, steals for them, sabotages their enemies in the walls. The Goose, for all that he loves causing mischief and mayhem, knows that some people just deserve worse for their actions.

In the final battle, the Goose is loose. Wands go missing, honks startle scouts, and the forces of chaos are borne on the wings of a Goose.

The Goose brings gifts if you like him. He brings consequences if you don’t.

**Author's Note:**

> [Originally posted on my tumblr.](https://nohrg.tumblr.com/post/189873526308/allofthefeelings-allofthefeelings-good)


End file.
